Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Breaking: Steven Newhouse to join The Advocate

Zombie Editorial Staff
March 14, 2013 

After what can only be described as an ongoing mass exodus of reporters, editorialists, and editors announcing their departure from the Times Picayne/NOLA.com to join John Georges newly acquired publication, The Advocate, a member of the Newhouse family has announced his plans to follow suit.

Chairman of Newhouse Publications, Steven Newhouse, was interviewed informally last night at an Irish bar in Queens by a guy who is friends with a guy who works in the advertising department for the New York Daily News.  After several black and tans and couple of Jamison shots, Newhouse blurted out, "Sweet Jesus...we fuck'snu'ed the Times Picayune so bad.....what were we thinking?"

After being goaded into a third Jamison shot, Steven came clean on his future plans, "Alright..fuck yes!  I admit it!  I'm going over to the dark side...I'm gonna work for King Georges....I mean, shit...I don't wanna be the only asshole left standing at the TP do I?!?"  The guy who knows the guy who works for the NY Daily replied, "Well Varney will still be there."  Newhouse leaned over in the guy's face and saliva sprayed him with, "You'ze makin' my fuckin' point, Geeee...!!!"

After Newhouse ordered another round of pints for the house, an unidentified, older woman sitting at the bar and eavesdropping on the conversation butted in, "What were you thinking?  You gutted the entire paper, you culled its talent, you stopped publishing daily, claiming it was too expensive.  Now you're printing a whole new publication to fill in those days you eliminated?  What the hell?"  Newhouse replied, "First of all...fuck you!  Secondly...me and Ricky...we had it all figured out, ya see.  I wrote the whole thing down with a Sharpie on a bar napkin in Mobile, it was a beautiful plan, man....visionary, I tell ya!"  When pressed further as to what the plan was, Newhouse became increasingly agitated and finally replied, "...alright, bitches....alright....I left the napkin and the Sharpie in my shirt pocket and ran it through the washer....you happy, now?!?  Huh!?!  Inked the whole frikkin' load...looked like an octopus spooged....flippin' Brooks Brothers' oxford to boot!"

When asked why he was machine washing a Brooks Brothers' oxford and not dry cleaning it, Steven replied, "Who the hell has time for the dry cleaners?"  The anonymous woman replied, "See there, Steven, that's your problem...cutting corners will cost you every time."  Newhouse snapped back, "You should know, hooker!  Ha!"

It was as that point Newhouse remembered he was drinking with his aunt.  He lowered his head and apologized for the hooker comment.

King Georges was contacted to verify the Newhouse hire but would neither confirm or deny it.  He replied, "Right now we're looking at a number of TP guns, including Ryan Berni...we're trying to convince him that The Advocate will actually pay him to reprint his press releases instead of just reprinting them without a byline or proper compensation like NOLA.com does."

Ok...I kid...I kid...I needed to make myself laugh.  Don't sue me powerful Newhouse dude, I'm just pokin' fun...      


Anonymous said...

just laughed my balls off. thanks mang. really needed some humour in my life today.

Anonymous said...

The last line, yeah :D

Anonymous said...

Funniest shit I've read in a long time. Inspired!

Editilla said...

Get Down! Get Back Up Again!

Andy Brott said...

I give this a big Nelson "Ha ha"-
+ Ask why our "Shop Local" Rouses refuses to practice what they preach?
Or have they stopped sending our $ to Newhouse?
+ Who else is needs to be called out?
I can't stand Besnon Fox 8 Sport's use of Duncan and other DTP writers.
Please ask them to stop-
Best From Freret

Anonymous said...

This bit is just hilarious: "Ryan Berni...we're trying to convince him that The Advocate will actually pay him to reprint his press releases instead of just reprinting them without a byline or proper compensation like NOLA.com does."

Anonymous said...

Actually, The Advocate is giving Newhouse some business by including the Newhouse-owned Parade magazine in its Sunday inserts. I don't like the way The Advocate is doing things AT ALL. Buyouts and pending layoffs in Baton Rouge. Having bidding wars with the T-P over people who are too greedy and egotistical to simply leave.